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So the conflict begins as the gang enters Shinrin
A short search reveals the discord within
It seems most everyone in the town
Is on edge about the ongoing showdown
Ulric- the name has been dragged through the mud
A blacksmith who now has some bad blood
With Larv- a local kobold laborer
Who’s esteemed enemy
Ensured an uproar would occur
Due to his local renown
The gang easily tracks Ulric down
“I am a blacksmith for the king’s royal army
A shaper of steel, just as Larv used to be
“But my skills far surpassed his
He became redundant here
Now he tries to tarnish my trade, so it appears
But I am far too revered!”
The group tracks Larv down for a word
They’ll chat with him as he works- as he prefers
“Ulric’s unfaithful to the king he serves
Many of his products go to a side reserve
“He should keep our great Elluryah safe
With his profound skill
Instead he sells to scoundrels
To keeps his pockets filled
I have produced a light gem- unreal but it’s true
To prove my rectitude I’ll show the stone to you!”
Grub and the girls aren’t sure what they should believe
It seems that to some end they are being deceived
Kat says both seem so honest
Astrid says they both tell lies
The townsfolk are on edge but cannot spot the guise
The gang will take Larv up
On his offer to inspect the gem
They decide it wise to bring Ulric along with them
The foes meet face to face
Their claims they’ll have to stand up for
But before progress is made
A gang of bandits kicks in the door
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2. |
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Lived in the shadow of the mountain
I sat beneath the tree at night
I said exactly what I thought
I didn't care enough to lie
My own father is disgusting, and my mother is too
The wickedness in them I also saw in you
The only honest folk I know
A family of wretched spider beasts
Cursed to appear outside the way we truly are beneath
I left it all behind, was happy to forget
The only one I ever missed was my pet
Then there you stood, my pet with you
He was happy, I knew that you must be a nice guy too
That was the last thing
That I saw before I was subdued
I wasn't warned, even though I know she knew
She knew and did nothing
She let me die
She saw my end, but didn't try
They made me what I am- a monster inside and out
I'm not a nice guy anymore
So I'll wait for you to put me down
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3. |
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If the stars are my future the moon is my past
She glows so that small suns are all but masked
I know they're there, but what could be worth
Hurting when I am not even hurt?
The things in the basement
Will never collect dust
Move them to the attic
Adjust
Forward looking back
Future past I lack
The haze of years of days
I choose to bear that cross
The ghost images I choose never to degauss
Obsolete machine with heavy glass screen
Colors the darkness, flashes in between
Static snow, it falls
Lengthening the halls
Still she calls
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The ends justify the means
So just make do and make ends meet
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Sparks fly, flames erupt
Sands stream and sting in sudden gales
Dazed and displaced by torrents abrupt
As two witches clash to see who will prevail
Kat, 14, a prodigy- noble, but a bit naive
Astrid, 16, gives it her best- no moment is spared for rest
Light radiates from within balled fists
The gems that bring their powers to exist
All five elements, nature's full force
Through these girls such powers course
A grin extends Kat's face, bright as the crescent moon
Astrid more zeroed in, her movements well attuned
Their gemstones' energies nearly fully consumed
Something has got to give, the scale must tip soon
Lightning explodes from Astrid's hand
Rampant, lethal, charges no man could withstand
But Kat has her own electric stone
Neutralizes the bolts as they are thrown- skill well honed
Kat blasts gusts robust to render her foe prone
And pin her down with gravel summoned from her earth stone
Fireballs soar through the air, roar toward their target square
A sudden surge of water leaves nothing there
Once-precious stones cast aside as they go grey
Lest they be grabbed by mistake and thus betray
Like night and day they trade..
"That's enough- well done, girls"
Ghael calls off the friendly feud
"Hey, I've got money riding on this!"
Grub jokes and adds "how rude!"
"Awesome as always" Kat says
Astrid agrees, "I nearly had you too!"
Ghael says "I'm quite impressed
Now quickly rest, you've more yet to do"
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6. |
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Two-thousand meters, where I draw the line
And then upon your twisted body I will dine
This mountain belongs to me
The howling winds are a banshee
You should have heeded her song
Because you won't be on this earth for long
Headed where you belong
Ski as fast as you can, heart pounding, panic sets in
Your skill might buy some time, but you simply cannot win
You belong to me
You don't get to ski free
What's left of you is lost beneath the falling snow
More remains lie within than anyone could know
I'm not some villain that you get to defeat
If you meet me, then you're just meat
You cannot ski free, you belong to me
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7. |
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"Sorry kids, but Mr Tough Guy's out"
The white robe says with a grin
Grub is afraid, not really sure how they can win
"Hey ponytail" he says "try pig tails for twice the fun!"
"You're all about to die, but I'll admit I like this one!"
"We don't have time for this"
Says Astrid as she rushes in
And prepares to unload an entire volt gem again
White Robe raises his hand
The lightning bolt connects
His grin never wavers, Astrid is angered and perplexed
"Be careful burning through your gems
You shouldn't be so wild
You use up all of those
And you're just a helpless child!"
Astrid drives a defiant side kick into his broken ribs
But he defies logic, and nothing gives
"See what I mean?" he asks
And throws a swift uppercut
Astrid folds around his fist, he catches her in the gut
She hits the ceiling and then falls hard onto the floor
Kat blasts a boulder from each hand
She can't watch anymore
A well timed crescent kick
Shatters both stones in the air
Grub rushes in, knows he can't win
But doesn't seem to care
His wooden sword goes to splinters
Across the white robe's face
Boulder debris blocked White Robe's view
So finally he is displaced
"His power is great but finite" Grub says
"So we can wear him down!"
Astrid and White Robe climb to their feet
Both wearing furious frowns
Astrid tosses Kat a volt stone
"Together we'll unleash all of our might!"
Grub adds "he won't survive that-
Go on girls, and end this fight!"
Grub is dealt a mighty blow
He didn't know it was coming
He's not conscious anymore
Kat winces as he takes the hit
And he tumbles across the floor
"Now that wasn't very nice
But it does no good to scold
Since that punch was enough to kill any kobold"
Kat says "we don't have to kill him
We'll beat him, arrest him
Then someone can heal him"
"Oh, wake up! Look- Grub could die!
There's no time for this- let's fry this guy!"
"Now isn't this just precious?
Say, why'd you even bring this one?
I think I'll save her for last
So she doesn't miss any of the fun"
Grub and Garth decorate the floor
Neither are able to take anymore
Kat's a mess, overwhelmed by stress
Wishing they'd never entered that door
Astrid is backed up into a corner
And too injured to try to run
"Kat!" she pleads "I need you
To make an exception for this one!"
Kat drops the stone, she tries to speak,
But nothing comes- she's just too weak
Not from the blows that she's taken
She's shaken- everything seems so bleak
Astrid takes a second gem in her left hand
"It'll take this much to kill that man
Ghael can pull three stones- she'd kill this guy alone
But two gems is more than I can stand
"Ever since Kat showed up, I have been second place
I push twice as hard but I can't match her pace
But when the pressure is on
It seems her skills are all gone
And all that potential just goes to waste
"Tonight I'll do something that I know Kat cannot
I must act fast, no time for second thoughts"
The room goes white and then
The White Robe goes down
Lives are lost and the fight is fought
Kat checks on Grub, he's got a pulse
He starts to wake, seems he'll hold on
Astrid is battered, Kat checks on her
And she finds that her pulse is gone
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8. |
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Laugh at me- "gay Kirby" all you like
But in my nubby little arms I hold your life
You think it's a joke- you think I'm here as a gag
Until your laughter is muffled by your body bag
I rest a wink, you rest in peace
Vision goes pink, and you're deceased
That's a lovely recovery that you've got there
It would be a shame if something happened in the air
Left you hopeless and tumbling to your demise
It would be wise to realize that I own these skies
Music to my ears are your screams
This is not the face of mercy
Bore me to sleep, yet I'm the one with sing
Can't you do anything to stop The Jiggly Queen?
I'll pound pound pound you into the ground
Pants bound bound bound to end up browned
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9. |
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10. |
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let's learn about egyptian religion
it should be fun
let's focus on horus, god of vengeance
war and the sun
his peepaw's penis was eaten by fish
pa used a gold strap-on to grant meemaw's wish
horus was fathered by a pimpin bling stick
too bad for them uncle set was a total dick
set fought hard against horus, but
he lost round one when he lost a nut
round two set shoots a blast of fire like a demon
did i say fire? because what i meant was semen
horus won't let pedo-incest-uncle deliver
he catches the man goo and throws it in the river
then horus finds a salad, and he starts beating it
adds his special dressing and tricks set into eating it
some gods use lightning bolts
to strike down their foes
some jizz in salads, hey man, anything goes
round three horus is like
"hey bro let's race some boats"
set's like "that's fine
but they have to be stone so they won't float."
horus is like "fuck that" so he uses wood
set sinks and loses, as all idiots should
the moral here is cheat and you shall achieve
i'm serious, just look it up, this is what they believed
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11. |
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Ghael gathers the gang
“So girls, do you recall
The legend of the light gem?
The heroes who wielded them
And conquered utter mayhem?
Hundreds of years ago..”
Grub adds “when Ghael was just a teen!”
Unamused, she continues
“Elluryah was faltering
“But a young kobold, with a pure heart
Unlike our friend Grub here
Produced a shimmering white gem
That evil learned to fear
The legendary knight and witch
Battled with sword and spell
The blade bright and blasts of light
Banished the baneful back to hell!”
The virtuous, the valiant
Those who refuse to corrupt or dissent
“So light gems are the strongest of them all?” Kat ponders aloud
Astrid answers “sure, if you keep your head up in the clouds!
Volt gems turn baddies into paper weights just fine”
Ghael says “light gems are not benign-
They destroy the depraved by design
“And rumor has come my way of a light gem bona fide
Likely fiction, but inaction I simply can’t abide
A kobold in Shinrin town to the east
Claims to have bore the stone
In the midst of some other dissonance
To me currently unknown
“Shinrin is in a state of dismay
And if we don’t help it may stay that way
Find the antagonist, show him defeat
Help keep others like us out of the streets”
Kat can’t wait to save the day
Make new friends and show them her way
Despite Astrid’s assertion, Kat longs for a light gem
As strong as a volt stone but not fickle like them
Astrid’s been itching for her next real fight
She’ll prove to Ghael the true extent of her might
Grub, the girls’ own kobold friend
Will guide them til the very end
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12. |
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warning, warning
dumbass alert
you hate my music because it's fake
you say my music is "a piece of cake"
well it is easy, and fun to do
but guess what
your mom is too
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13. |
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Ghael gathers the gang
“Seems a witch from Boraea
Has brought trouble to Bristol’s bustle
Seems whispers are growing louder
We must prevent a public tussle
"We have reason to believe she plans to burn a barracks down
Her motives are beyond me but we can’t let her turn this town
"I helped to save this kingdom all those years ago
A fact that damn near every Ellurian knows
"Still Phoebe takes in new girls each year
Off-colored eyes dumped off with their peers
We must preserve what respect remains here
We must stop this witch- we must persevere!
"Things could be better for us, but I have seen far worse
For our kin we fight to prevent what we could not reverse
"A certain man who joined the king’s army at a young age
Prone to outrage, he seems eager to engage
The King’s Right Hand- the strongest man in this kingdom
Fought his way up the ranks- all saw him overcome
If we spite him we might succumb
"Although past misdeeds can never be undone
I will break each thread of the web they have spun”
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Fifteen Years of Unicorn Hole sees several of Uhole's homies coming together to cover and remix their favorites of his tracks! Download includes all fan submitted unicorn art!